Divorce is rarely the only option. Try a new appoach and a better way.
“Everything you do annoys me. Sometimes I can barely stand to look at you.”
“Why do you criticize everything I do? Can’t I ever do anything right in your eyes?”
How can this vicious cycle be ended? It seems so powerful– and you can’t deny your feelings, can you?
This is one of the most difficult situations that patients bring to therapy. You may both feel that there is no way out of this impass. Until the day arrives that one of you elects to take a new approach to the relationship, it may seem that the relationship is hopelessly deadlocked. Part of the problem is that no one wants to give in until the other person “deserves” to be treated with love and kindness. You are certain you have legitimate reasons for your anger , and you may be reluctant to let go of that well deserved outrage and frustration.
ASK YOURSELF: DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?
Change begins with the decision to BE the way you want the relationship to become. That choice cannot be dependent on the behavior or responses of your partner. That approach seems so inequitable, so unfair, that many people lack the will to attempt it. Think of it this way: If you went into a convenience store every day and were treated rudely or indifferently, would you begin shoplifting to retaliate? Probably not. You are not a thief. That is not the nature of your character. You wouldn’t let the behavior of another determine your moral choices.
Begin today to be patient, kind, compassionate, civil, and loving because that is the way you want to see yourself. Don’t make your behavior conditional on the behavior or response of your partner. It will be hard. Will this make your partner become a better person? It might. Good examples often produce imitative response. If it doesn’t, what do you do next? I have no idea what you should do. This is your relationship and your choice to make.
I do know that you will make better decisions from a place of peace than you will from a place of resentment and upheaval. You probably will begin to look at your partner differently. You will certainly look at yourself in a new light, and be more pleased with the person you see. Give that gift to yourself and to your relationship.
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