She says: “We can’t communicate!” He says: “What did you say?”
When couples call for information about therapy, they often begin by saying, “I think we have a communication problem” When I ask for an example, it often goes something like this:
1st person: “I’ve told you so many times why this is important to me. Why can’t you figure this out?”
2nd person: “You know, it doesn’t matter what I do. It never seems to please you.”
Does this couple have a communication problem? They spoke clearly and they made their sentiments very plain. The first person made it clear how much this issue means, and how frustrated he/she is with the other person. The second person rightfully felt attacked and lashed out defensively and blamed the other. Certainly both individuals understood what was said, and both had predictable responses.
Misunderstanding is not the issue for most couples. What is said and how it is said typically creates the problem. When each individual can begin to hear what he/she is saying and how it sounds to his/her partner, successful resolution is on the way. Ask yourself: “Is what I am about to say going to make my partner feel respected, cared for, and understood?” If the answer to that question is “no”, then its time to examine your motive and your intent in making the remark or continuing that behavior.
Tags: communication