David Bloodgood, Ph. D

“Everything you do annoys me.  Sometimes I can barely stand to look at you.”  

“Why do you criticize everything I do?  Can’t I ever do anything right in your eyes?”

How can this vicious cycle be ended?  It seems so powerful– and you can’t deny your feelings, can you?

This is one of the most difficult situations that patients bring to therapy.  You may both feel that there is no way out of this impass.  Until the day arrives that one of you elects to take a new approach to the relationship, it may seem that the relationship is hopelessly deadlocked.  Part of the  problem is that no one wants to give in until the other person “deserves” to be treated with love and kindness.  You are certain you have legitimate reasons for your anger , and you may be reluctant to let go of that well deserved outrage and frustration. 

ASK YOURSELF:  DO YOU WANT TO BE RIGHT, OR DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY?

Change begins with the decision to BE the way you want the relationship to become.  That choice cannot be dependent on the behavior or responses of your partner.  That approach seems so inequitable, so unfair, that many people lack the will to attempt it.  Think of it this way:  If you went into a convenience store every day and were treated rudely or indifferently, would you begin shoplifting to retaliate?  Probably not.  You are not a thief.  That is not the nature of your character.  You wouldn’t let the behavior of another determine your moral choices.

Begin today to be patient, kind, compassionate, civil, and loving because that is the way you want to see yourself.  Don’t make your behavior conditional on the behavior or response of your partner. It will be hard. Will this make your partner become a better person?  It might.  Good examples often produce imitative response. If it doesn’t, what do you do next?  I have no idea  what you should do. This is your relationship and your choice to make.

 I do know that you will make better decisions from a place of peace than you will from a place of resentment and upheaval.  You probably will begin to look at your partner differently.  You will certainly look at yourself in a new light, and be more pleased with the person you see.  Give that gift to yourself and to your relationship.

There are many therapists in Orlando and Winter Park who will be quick to give you an answer to this question.  I’m not one of them.  Often couples will call and ask before they come in— will  I tell them if their relationship is salvageable or even worth saving?   I have seen relationships that appeared mutually damaging, incredibly painful, and seemingly beyond reconciliation, yet they continue–with and sometimes without healing.  On other occasions, relationships that seemed relatively healthy and satisfying end over what seem to be trivial issues that could be easily resolved.

The only thing I can be certain of is that I have no way of knowing what you should do with your relationship, and definitely  have no business suggesting that a couple should end a relationship. What I can usually do is help both of you determine what would make the relationship healthier, stronger, and more satisfying.  We can work together to find methods that would make that goal take place.  At that point, it is up to each of you to assess the likelihood of the changes being made, and decide  what your personal commitment is to changing your part in the dynamic.

There’s no question that some relationships will fail.  We see the evidence all around us.  However, there is always a question of whether or not they need to fail.  Rarely can one person do all of the heavy lifting in the healing process.  Sometimes, one person may need to exercise great patience and focus on self-improvement while waiting for a partner to sign on to the project.  Relationship therapy is most effective when there is a united awareness of the need to change the process, and a mutual commitment to the goal of healing.  When approached from that perspective, nearly every realtionship can be strengthened, enriched, and you will certainly  experience greater peace and satisfaction.

The people who come to therapy tend to be bright, successful, competent individuals.  They are fully capable of successfully meeting most of the challenges they face without assistance. They have already demonstrated that they can solve nearly all of the major problems in their lives without the help or direction of anyone else.  If the solutions to their current dilemmas could be easily seen, they would  solve them as effectively as they have all the others.  Usually patients come to therapy because something has created an impasse that appears insurmountable. 

The therapist is not someone who is”smarter than they are” and can “solve their problems for them.” That is not what most people want or need.  You are the expert on your life.  You are in charge of  the direction in which you choose to take your relationship.

Negative elements that reoccur in our personal life and in our relationships often stem from emotionally based responses that push us to behave in ways that we may be well aware are unproductive.  We may know what is not working for us, but we don’t know why we do it –or how to stop it.  Sometimes the emotional responses that influence us are actually beyond our awareness.  We certainly can’t fix what we don’t see, don’t realize is taking place, or can’t understand.

Therapy provides an effective venue for discovering and examining the source of our problematic behavior and responses.  It can offer an enhanced awareness, greater understanding, and a new perspective on the nature of the most persistent and troubling elements in our life.  Most often, the answers and explanations are relatively simple and straight forward.  Once seen, the choice is yours to use those new insights to implement change.  Permanent, effective change generally requires commitment, courage, and persistence.  It may not be easy–but the payoff is a sense of peace and satisfaction that makes your decision and your effort well worthwhile.

   When couples call for information about therapy, they often begin by saying, “I think we have a communication problem”  When I ask for an example, it often goes something like this:

1st person:  “I’ve told you so many times why this is important to me.  Why can’t you figure this out?”

2nd person:  “You know, it doesn’t matter what I do.  It never seems to please you.”

     Does this couple have a communication problem?  They spoke clearly and they made their sentiments very plain.  The first person made it clear how much this issue means, and how frustrated he/she is with the other person.  The second person rightfully felt attacked and lashed out defensively and blamed the other. Certainly both individuals understood  what was said, and both had predictable responses. 

     Misunderstanding is not the issue for most couples.  What is said and how it is said typically creates the problem.  When each individual can begin to hear what he/she is saying and how it sounds to his/her partner, successful resolution is on the way.  Ask yourself:  “Is what I am about to say going to make my partner feel respected, cared for, and understood?”  If the answer to that question is “no”, then its time to examine your motive and your intent in making the remark or continuing that behavior.